Reading this article, made me send a facebook message to a friend who is also a graphic designer. I am completely disillusioned with the industry. It has incrementally moved from design to programming and data management. AI won’t do us in…things like Canva and Adobe templates will. Who needs a designer when there are such easy things to use? I liken it to desktop publishing days. But that was much simpler. And what’s happening now will just beef up more.

I am not a programmer. Nor do I want to be. And I don’t want to run in the hamster wheel that is digital marketing. It’s not even a hamster wheel because it doesn’t last that long. It’s all become so superficial and fleeting.

But I’m glad I found this article FROM 2019. It has made me truly realize that I want to take a deep, focused dive into work that I do. I’m ready to throw in the graphic design towel. But what next?

Do you know the stories behind these images? Don’t you think you should?

So, apparently I have Essential Tremor. There’s no test for it. But I shake. And it’s ‘familial’, meaning inherited. Dad had it. It’s not just visible shaking. I shake inside. So I feel like I’m vibrating. Although I’m still trying to figure out right now, I can’t help but wonder what the future will be like. The shaking’s enough, but Dad had dementia issues. I remember him periodically doing things like going to pick up food with a fork he hadn’t put in his hand yet. He was in his 70s then, so we just quietly handed him a fork.

Apparently, it’s not unusual for ET to start in your 40s. The progression is different for everyone. The cerebellum is believed to be the source, since that’s the center for movement. The usual test for ET is a writing test, to see if your handwriting is shaky. I’m not that bad yet. But will it eventually affect my writing? Typing? Driving? Even steps?

The cerebellum “is also involved in some cognitive functions such as attention and language, and probably in some emotional functions such as regulating fear and pleasure responses.” (Wikipedia) These things are the center of my being. What happens when I have problems with them? Is worrying about it making it worse? I’m finally finding my life, and it’s becoming intellectual. I don’t want that taken away. Ever.

Of course everything I know about ET is from reading online, or in journal articles. The neurologist I saw didn’t even say “ET.” He said “I’d deal with it” (the shaking). It was my primary doctor who said ET. He’s pretty sure because he knew Dad. I think he was trying not to make it a big deal, but said there is medication that I can take in the future. Apparently the main ones are propranolol which is a beta-blocker, and primidone which is an anti-epileptic. Speaking of which…

I had a seizure about, oh, 25 years ago. Just one. Throat spasms led up to it. While investigating my recent shaking, a neurologist gave me an EEG. Yes, the seizure activity is still there.

To make things more interesting, I went through a period of panic attacks. (Wow, I sound like a basket case…I’m really not) Bad time in my life. I’m currently going through a stressful time buying a house. And it’s all rearing its ugly head.

More than a little unnerving.

Links to web sites related to madness,
psychiatry, neuroscience, and the mind

This post will be periodically updated.

Blogs

h-madness blog
Updated almost daily, this blog presents the latest information and commentary on topics related to the history of psychiatry

Journals

History of Psychiatry

Trends in Cognitive Science

Podcasts
Most of these podcasts can be downloaded via itunes.

Psychjourney

Brain Science

Shrink Rap Radio

Organizations

Philoctetes Society
The Multidisciplinary Study of Imagination: This non-profit organization holds roundtable discussions and events on topics related to creativity and thought. All events are free and open to the public, and most are posted online in video form.

Conferences, Seminars, Events

Madness and Literature
1st International Health Humanities Conference: Madness and Literature to be held at Nottingham 6th – 8th August 2010

Museums

Bethlem Royal Hospital
“The Bethlem Royal Hospital Archives and Museum records the lives and experience and celebrates the achievements of people with mental health problems.” Founded as a hospital for the medical treatment of insanity in 1547, the museum opened in 1970 and exhibits primarily work by artists who have at some time suffered from mental disorder, but also houses historical material.

The Prinzhorn Collection
This Psychiatric University Hospital in Heidelberg, Germany, houses a collection of drawings, paintings, collages, textiles, sculptures and a great diversity of texts which were produced in hospitals, mainly in the German-speaking world, between 1880 and 1920. In addition to the core Prinzhorn collection, permanent loans and donations were deposited in the Psychiatric Clinic, such as works created at the Rhine Federal Hospital Viersen (around 1900), wooden sculptures by Carl Genzel from the Wesphalia Psychiatric and Psychotherapeutic Clinic, Eickelborn near Lippstadt (approx. 1920), the Petschner Collection, Psychiatric Hospital Merxhausen, Bad Emstal (1960-1980), as well as works of art of contemporary patient-artists. Description paraphrased from museum site.

Case Histories

Case histories from the history of psychiatry

Other helpful sites

Google Translate
Google translate makes it possible to read many of the pertinent sites that are written in German or French.

This is the worst time of day. Somewhere between day and night. The day is ending, feeling like time has passed…yet again. Did I waste too much? Did I get anything done? Does it matter? It’s Sunday, I can take it easy.

And yet, the morning, somewhere between night and day, is wonderful. Nothing has started yet. People aren’t bustling. It’s quiet and I can do what I want undisturbed. Everything’s fresh and unmarked. Dark and peaceful.

I spoke to an old friend the other day. We’re linked by loved ones who’ve passed. What a sweet and caring woman she’s always been. Four years after her husband passed away, she has changed her work situation, traveled, built a new relationship and home, repaired other relationships, and finally now feels content. Her husband passed 4 days after Mom. Dad and I went to the viewing. The line wound through the funeral home and out the door. A shuttle gave people rides from the parking lot. We saw her often after that. Dad had a crush on her. He gave her a watch for Christmas one year. And now when I see her, that’s what I think of. Because, although she has moved on and built a life, I have not yet. At least not fully.

I’ve been saying that for a long time, it seems. I’ll get there. At the pace of a slow crawl. I haven’t found my ground to stand on. This is not home. And yet it is. My old home. I still long for the family home I don’t have any more. It’s time to let it go. I need to build my own, whatever that means. Whatever that takes.

A woman in an SUV parked diagonally across two parking spaces at the dumpster, so I couldn’t park near it.

There was a small group of people who were sitting in a circle of folded chairs chatting and laughing. They’re now having a summer supper outside on a long table under a tent.

I saw two neighbors outside chatting while their dogs did the alpha dog dance.

I wonder if bunnies get lonely.

I wanted to find a heating pad like mine with aut-shutoff, but couldn’t, so I got one with a timer instead.

Five Guys was packed tonight as I drove past.

I wonder what’s going to be in the space where SuperFresh closed.

There’s a great article in the Wall Street Journal today about art under dictators.

These are the things I didn’t have anyone to tell today.

I had the thought last night that nothing in my life changes from season to season, except my clothes. No regular summer beach trip. I don’t ski in winter. No pumpkin patch or hayride. The most I do is plant in spring, but even those are in pots. No Christmas tree because I go away for the holiday. I’ve never really been a New Year’s Eve partier. I don’t watch or play sports, and I can never get anyone to go to a haunted house with me.

In past lives, my year was dictated by a school schedule. Once upon a time, our family changed out the screens for storm windows. We pulled the fan out of the attic to cool the bedrooms in summer. Shoveled the driveway after a snow. Of course, as a kid we went trick-or-treating. Family vacations at the beach.

And before my time, people ate seasonal food that was grown.

Although seasonal events would happen more naturally if I had a family, or was even part of a couple. But being alone is not an excuse. I need to make things the way I want them to be. If seasonal changes are important to me, I need to celebrate them. Create my own school year. Schedule seasonal or annual trips. It’s nice to have a flexible schedule and do what I want when I want. But it turns out to be entirely too open. Everything requires a decision.

So what do I want? To set up regular activities so I don’t have to constantly make decisions. Create things that become ‘what I do’. A trip in Summer, when work slows down. If I end up going back to school, I will have a school year schedule. Enjoy the Fall weather by going pumpkin shopping. Maybe a hike. Or a trip to New England to see the Fall colors. Make pumpkin pie, bread, and apple treats! When it snows in Winter, I could build a snowman. Poinsettas in the house. Make soup. And, of course, I travel to spend the holiday with my sisters. In Spring I can stroll the flea markets and yard sales. Even if I don’t buy. Spring cleaning, of course. Air things out, do a big clean. And in the early summer, I can go blueberry and strawberry picking. Make blueberry buckle and strawberry shortcake. Get fresh food from the farmer’s market.

Yep, need to make my own seasonal fun.

Another Father’s Day down. It’s been a year and a half since Dad died. You have no way of knowing what it will really be like when he’s gone. We never really made a huge deal about Father’s Day. It wasn’t a day we spent grilling with the family. We’d do a card, maybe a little gift, say Happy Father’s Day, and that would be it. And when I lived far away, it was just a phone call. But it seems those little things were big enough to say “I love you, Dad. And today I thought of you, individually, apart from Mom or anyone else.”

It was a Saturday trip to Herb’s Hobby Shop with Dad when I discovered the Jaguar XKE. It was one of those days that he was going on errands and asked me if I wanted to go. We ended up at the hobby shop looking at model cars. It’s been my top car ever since.

Dad taught me which way to turn a screwdriver to tighten and loosen a screw. He was fixing the doorknob on the linen closet door. I don’t remember if it was one of the times he asked for an extra pair of hands, or if I was just watching. But I always remembered which way to turn.

I was blessed to have the last years with Dad. It was like we had our own Father’s Day, just the two of us, every day. I miss you, Dad. TTFN