It’s been 10 years since my first blog post. And I’ve probably written 10 posts. At 5:30 AM, after being awake since about 3:30, I’m feeling the need for #11ish.

[EDIT: This is actually post #23! I underestimated myself.]

In 2019, what does “friend” mean?

Merriam Webster
friend noun
\ ˈfrend \
Definition of friend (Entry 1 of 2)
1a : one attached to another by affection or esteem
She’s my best friend.
b : ACQUAINTANCE
2a : one that is not hostile
Is he a friend or an enemy?
b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group showbiz friends
3 : one that favors or promotes something (such as a charity) this trend has alarmed friends of the liberal arts — Raymond Walters
The friends of the library will host a fund-raiser.
4 : a favored companion
5 capitalized : a member of a Christian sect that stresses Inner Light, rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war — called also Quaker

friend verb
friended; friending; friends
Definition of friend (Entry 2 of 2)
transitive verb
1 : to act as the friend of : BEFRIEND
2 : to include (someone) in a list of designated friends on a person’s social networking site

Urban Dictionary
1 friend
A friend is someone you love and who loves you, someone you respect and who respects you, someone whom you trust and who trusts you. A friend is honest and makes you want to be honest, too. A friend is loyal.
A friend is someone who is happy to spend time with you doing absolutely nothing at all; someone who doesn’t mind driving you on stupid errands, who will get up at midnight just because you want to go on an adventure, and who doesn’t have to talk to communicate with you.
A friend is someone who not only doesn’t care if you’re ugly or boring, but doesn’t even think about it; someone who forgives you no matter what you do, and someone who tries to help you even when they don’t know how. A friend is someone who tells you if you’re being stupid, but who doesn’t make you feel stupid.
A friend is someone who would sacrifice their life and happiness for you.
A friend is someone who will come with you when you have to do boring things like watch bad recitals, go to stuffy parties, or wait in boring lobbies. You don’t even think about who’s talking or who’s listening in a conversation with a friend.
A friend is someone for whom you’re willing to change your opinions.
A friend is someone you look forward to seeing and who looks forward to seeing you: someone you like so much, it doesn’t matter if you share interests or traits. A friend is someone you like so much, you start to like the things they like.
A friend is a partner, not a leader or a follower.
The word “friend” comes from Old English “frēond”, which is actually the present participle of “frēogan”, which means “to love” and “to honor”.
#pal#buddy#kith#comrade#chum

2 friend
A friend is someone who won’t lie to you. They respect you for who you are and make every moment with you count. Time with your friends should be fun and you shouldn’t have to change for them. Your friends should understand you and trust you. They help you with your problems and are always there when you are feeling down.
A friend cannot be replaced so don’t even try.
#loyal#trustworthy#fun#understanding#honest

3 friends
people who are aware of how retarded you are and still manage to be seen in public with you. people who make you laugh till you pee your pants. people who cry for you when one of your special items disappear. when you dont have enough money to get a ice cream, they chip in. knows all of your internet passwords. who would never make you cry just to be mean.
I think I have a lot of friends that would fit this perfectly.
#reatarded#public#laugh#diappear#money#& cry

4 Friends
What i thought i had
nathan and will were my best friends but they stabbed me in the back
#butt lick#ass fuck#toobagan#sixety nine#doggy style

5 Friend
A word that defines those you keep company with. A person that is, trusting, caring, and will stick with you through thick and thin. The one you can talk to about anything and they won’t judge you for it. Someone that when times are hard stands beside you saying “let’s do this.” The person that if no one else will, will stick up for you.
Sam: How’s it going Nick?
Nick: Not to good my Friend.
Sam: Why? What’s up man?
Nick: My girl just left, cars broke, can’t pay my rent now. Shall I go on?
Sam: Nah, alright let’s go get a beer and have a chat man, it’s on me.
#friend#amigo#chum#accomplice#fool

6 friends
no such thing. fictional creatures from mars.
dude i have a lot of friends
#fun#fake#surreal#dumb#bald

7 Friend
Somebody who comes to your house and eats all of your food, (cheetos, doritos, pizza, etc,) and also uses your stuff with their cheeto dust hands.
“hey man, what happened to all of your snacks?” “aw man, my friend came over”
#friend#friends#friendly

Interesting that Merriam Webster mentions social media, but Urban Dictionary does not. It does, however, have a number of variations on the word. Some of the best:
frienationshift
friemisis
frienabomber
frienaddict
frienaissance
friencest

The question is/questions are “Are you really friends when…”
…one doesn’t communicate with you for a long time, relative to how often you usually (used to) communicate?
…your whole relationship is via text?
…you’re going through a prolonged hard time, but they stop checking in with you after a while?
…they don’t see you because their lifestyle/job/school/family situation has changed?
…they don’t talk to you about something that’s bothering them about your friendship?
…they’re in town for 6 months after being away for a year and they’re “too busy” to see you?

Friendships change, morph, and sometimes drift away, especially at certain times of life. But I’m starting to see a pattern in my friendship history. And I don’t like it.

It’s been seven years since I posted in this blog. A lot has happened during that time. I met the most important person in my life on a social media site. After private messaging thousands of words for many long hours, we met in person in St. Louis, him driving from Kansas and me flying from Pennsylvania. It was the first time I wasn’t nervous meeting someone new. And now we share our lovely house (albeit a little messy…he’s very patient with me) and home in a beautiful piece of Pennsylvania. With our amazing puppy-cat, Arnie, who was here when we got here, and patiently waited until we were ready to admit we were going to take him away from his existing family. Turned out they were just happy to know he was well.

One night we went to bed and I told my partner I’d felt a lump and asked him to feel it. It was small, but it was there. After jumping through some highly unnecessary medical hoops, under the circumstances, I had a biopsy done and, yes, it was cancer. But “the best kind to have,” if that’s actually possible. We were at breakfast at our usual place when I found out, and I started to cry. Just a reaction, I think. I didn’t really know what any of it meant. As time passed, I decided I just wanted people to know, so I went around and told the people we knew well at the restaurant. Some of them thought I was nuts. In hindsight, it was weird. Knowing what I know now, always allow people to do whatever they need to do under similar circumstances. It’s like when someone dies. Everyone handles it differently. And no way is wrong. Frankly, I think I was looking for as much support as I could find. Unfortunately, I didn’t find it in most of those places. But I learned a lot in the process.

That Thanksgiving, during a break from my radiation, we went to my cousin’s for dinner as usual. But it wasn’t usual at all. Shortly after we arrived, my partner suddenly wasn’t well. He ended up collapsing and had a lot of trouble breathing. We eventually learned at the hospital that it was congestive heart failure. Fluid retention from kidneys not working sufficiently filled him to the point of affecting his lungs. He was in the hospital for two weeks as they worked to bring his weight down. That kind of emergency changes how you see things. Eventually, he came home, my treatment was done, and we moved on to our new normals, working through the after effects.

A new coffee shop opened up close to us. My partner had been looking for a decent cup of coffee since moving here. Finally, he could get one, and right near home! So, he started up his old routine that he followed in Kansas and went to the coffee shop every afternoon. It’s a great habit…same time, same place, often the same people… This time, the people were two young ones who worked there. He would come home and tell me about them. They were smart and thought about life, but were also light-hearted. The barista, although in her mid-twenties, had been through more than she should have at that age. She had the tough edges acquired from bartending and fending off drunks. She’d dealt with other life events that made her wise beyond her years. Yet, I was to find out, she still ran around on her toes. It was a long time before I actually saw her feet flat on the floor. Her co-worker had only recently entered his third decade. He was quiet with a big smile and gentle disposition, and eyes for the barista.

One thing you can always count on is that things will always change. You can never imagine that they will, or what they could change into, but they do. I can’t even really say in what way. We all change too. Inside, if not outside for other people to see. This has happened over and over for many centuries, yet we can never really be prepared because we don’t know what will come. And, of course, as humans we don’t fully understand things until we live through them. How do you know what it’s like to be married until after walking down the aisle? Or what it’s like having a child until there’s a little being who’s totally dependent on you and cries when you leave its line of vision? Or how you’ll react when diagnosed with cancer?

We have no idea what time will bring and it will surely affect us in ways we would never expect. It can even take years to understand what those effects are. Only yesterday, 2 ½ years after my cancer surgery, I realized that maybe allowing my sister to come for it would have helped HER. She offered multiple times. She wanted to be here for me.

What we experience growing up, and after, makes us who we are. As a child, we have no idea what our minds are putting away for use later. Often those things sit there for years and years without us realizing. But they certainly affect our behavior and decisions. Our parents’ choices, sibling dynamics, experiences in school, and learning how to socialize.

Our relationship with our barista friend has changed. For the better, I think. She has a beautiful baby girl now. She no longer walks on her toes.

Do you know the stories behind these images? Don’t you think you should?

This is the worst time of day. Somewhere between day and night. The day is ending, feeling like time has passed…yet again. Did I waste too much? Did I get anything done? Does it matter? It’s Sunday, I can take it easy.

And yet, the morning, somewhere between night and day, is wonderful. Nothing has started yet. People aren’t bustling. It’s quiet and I can do what I want undisturbed. Everything’s fresh and unmarked. Dark and peaceful.

I spoke to an old friend the other day. We’re linked by loved ones who’ve passed. What a sweet and caring woman she’s always been. Four years after her husband passed away, she has changed her work situation, traveled, built a new relationship and home, repaired other relationships, and finally now feels content. Her husband passed 4 days after Mom. Dad and I went to the viewing. The line wound through the funeral home and out the door. A shuttle gave people rides from the parking lot. We saw her often after that. Dad had a crush on her. He gave her a watch for Christmas one year. And now when I see her, that’s what I think of. Because, although she has moved on and built a life, I have not yet. At least not fully.

I’ve been saying that for a long time, it seems. I’ll get there. At the pace of a slow crawl. I haven’t found my ground to stand on. This is not home. And yet it is. My old home. I still long for the family home I don’t have any more. It’s time to let it go. I need to build my own, whatever that means. Whatever that takes.